Everybody But You By Joe Turano
Have you ever seen Night Train to Terror? Well, if you have, I’m sure you were plenty confused by this bizarre and hastily edited repackaging effort passed off as a horror anthology.
See, unlike your typical anthology, Night Train to Terror is actually 3 separate and preexisting films, pared down to near incoherence and slapped together with a wraparound featuring God and Mr. Satan fighting over souls aboard a train headed to Las Vegas,…or Hell, or both, or maybe that’s just the same place.
Despite how that sounds, Night Train to Terror is actually awesome. But that’s only because the movies it cuts up contain awesome things, well the parts they kept anyway. You get some legit gore, weird Satanists, nudity, a gnarly beheading, Nazis, some bitchin’ stop motion monsters, a budget Jimi Hendrix, Cameron Mitchell, and Richard Moll…twice! Which adds to some kind of illusion that all of this was carefully crafted.
But, that’s not really Night Train to Terror’s doing, right? Well, maybe the stop motion is…I think. Hell, maybe even some of the gore is too. I dunno really, but here’s a claymation Richard Moll getting blasted by devil magic into a giant cross.Regardless of what’s actually new, it was Night Train to Terror that made the decision to use these 3 films and trim (read: hack) the fat (read: any sense the plots might have otherwise made) into whatever it is you’re presented with. Though, since I’ve never seen the individual films (Marylin Alive and Behind Bars, Death Wish Club and Cataclysm) I can’t say for sure, but what you get hints at maybe treasures to be discovered.
The only substantial thing Night Train to Terror is really bringing to the table is the same thing that brings it to The Shindig’s table – the incomprehensible and ridiculous Everybody But You aka, that really “annoying” song the film keeps cutting back to every 20 minutes.
And when I say ridiculous, I mean that in the least figurative way possible. This band looks and act so stereotypically 80’s you’ll swear you’re watching a sketch comedy parody of a generic 80’s group filmed in like 2010. But it’s not. It’s real. It’s the genuine article.
Leg warmers, big belts, teased hair, spandex, head bands, bold colors, low-rent breakdancing, a girl on a drum kit even though that’s probably a Linndrum you’re hearing and a guy holding a bass guitar when that bass line is 100% from a Juno-6.
Now, I put annoying in quotations above because that seems to be the general consensus regarding this track. Naturally, this is not how The Shindig feels however. Far from it.
By all accounts, its definitely a kind of annoying. It’s catchy and horredenously repetative, but it’ll hammer its limited and frivolous lyrics deep into your brain and live there maybe even forever. It makes absolutely no sense in the context of the film (though a valiant effort is made) and seems completely out of place. Which sort of makes itself make sense, as this whole movie feels out of context, because essentially, that’s exactly what it is.
And just when you think you have heard the last of this song, it returns, between each segment, like an unwanted neighbor. But take solace! For the song will end when “Satan’s Cannonball” finally crashes into its final destination, killing everyone on board.
Oh wait, what? They’re singing again? How? Why? Oh,…God has spared their souls, huh? Well, at least the credits are rolling now. We’ll be saved by the score taking over, right?
Yeah, for about 40 seconds. And then, like the dishes in your sink, Everybody But You inexplicably returns to haunt you again.
So c’mon and dance with me…dance with me..