TRACK #312:

Is There a Phantom in the Mall? by The Vandals

Speaking of Phantoms, we have another Phantom that made his debut on Ep. 19 of Shindig Radio, and that’s the infamous Eric!

Yeah, Eric. You know Eric, right? He’s just like Jason or Freddy except his generic and innocuous name still sounds generic and innocuous cause no one knows who the fuck he is. But he got a subtitle, all about his revenge, which you didn’t even know he needed cause you’ve never seen him before in your whole goddamn life.

Yeah, it’s weird, but it’s The Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge, coming to you direct from the old (and way awesomer) Sherman Oaks Gallery.

Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge is a fairly late-in-game, but still pretty fun, slashery take on the Phantom storyline featuring an all-star (if you’re The Shindig, anyway) cast.

You got Death Spa’s Ken Foree, Action U.S.A.’s Gregory Scott Cummings, Pee-Wee’s Morgan Fairchild and a pre-weasel Pauly Shore all doing their damnedest to try and turn this business into a legitimate franchise. It didn’t quite work out that way for them,  but it’s totally worth watching anyway. Maybe even more so. 

However, there’s still the matter of this song, from LA punk legends The Vandals, to contend with and reconcile. 

See, if there was ever a contender for “Almost a Title Track” then it was certainly this one, and we definitely should not have included it on Title Tracks Pt. 5. But I hadn’t really considered the  option of a Not Quite Title Tracks episode until after the fact. So, Eric just snuck on in, without paying his dues, just like he tried to do with the horror franchises, giving himself a subtitle like he was a somebody. The balls on this guy.

Cause, let’s face it, this track is flagrant two-time offender.

First, you got all these extra words, a Title Track faux pas from the jump. And it’s not just a simple addition either, it’s now a whole goddamn sentence, with punctuation no less!

And sometimes we’ll look the other way; He’s Rockula, The Toxic Avenger Theme, maybe even Midnight Again (but not fuckin’ likely, not after Eric’s transgression) but this one’s asking a bit too much.

Now, if that was all, then maybe all could be forgiven. But that’s not all, because this song title doesn’t isn’t even the name of the movie. Now they say, at one point in the chorus, is there a Phantom of the Mall, but when it came to titling the track, they went ahead with  Is There a Phantom IN the Mall?

And baby, that’s just not the title of this movie.

Call me a nitpicker. Call me a hair-splitter. Call me an imbecile for devoting so many pseudo-serious words in a comedically aggressive tone to one of the most inane topics for a full 10 years of my life.

That’s fair. You call me whatever you’d like. But facts is facts, Jack.

And while this is a shinning example of everything a Title Track could and should be in almost every sense of the word, it just ain’t a Title Track where it counts…the Title itself.

Later Eric. You almost had it.

All that being said, this a great Referentially Inclusive Almost Title Track that 100% deserves to be here today.

So go grab a hotdog on a stick and maybe even a gun, cause you’re at The Chopping Mall, and there’s a Phantom in there too, and his name is Eric, and he’s lookin for some revenge. Are you a phony security guard with an ostentatious dangly earring? Did you burn down his house just so you could put up the coolest mall the 80’s had to offer? Boy, I sure hope not.