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Oct. 10th: Halloween II (2009)

I love Halloween. Be that the holiday, the music, the decorations, or the movie itself from John Carpenter.

As such, I avoided Rob Zombie’s remake for almost a decade. I finally gave in this year though, trawling for footage to use in the montage The Shindig is currently putting together for the opening of The Art of the Halloween Mask show.

I also figured “Hell, this is a Halloween blog. How long can I keep on doing this with a clear conscience having never watched Rob’s remakes?”

Very easily apparently. And I should have kept right on doing just that.

I won’t even talk about the original here. No, this is a minor celebration of the Halloween sequel, so we’re begrudgingly adding this sequel to the mix this year.

Though I did not like Halloween II, I did enjoy it more than Rob’s original for 4 distinct reasons:

1.) It actually kind of remakes the original Halloween II, at least for the first 20 minutes or so, and it’s probably the best portion of the movie. Remake sequels never remake the original sequel, and that was cool to see. Then it has to go and reveal that’s it was all just a dream. Oh well. One can dream I guess.

2.) Aside from that, it’s its own beast, with a more original and interesting container than the box the remake bursts from and then forces itself back into.

3.) It pulls off the trick of making the dumb “Laurie is Michael’s sister” plot work…in context. It always felt like a cheesy add-on in the original Halloween II. In Rob’s version it feels organic and the depths of what that might mean are not only examined, but they are at the heart of his story.

4.) It’s more Halloweeny.

Other than that though, I can’t say there’s much here I enjoyed.

Why have they made Loomis, once a great horror hero for the ages, such a scumbaggy jerk? Is it cool to just flip the script on him? Didn’t seem cool.

Why is Michael some roided-out hobo version of Rob Zombie who barely wears his mask? And was he not Voorheesed-up enough in the original that they had to make him skulk through the woods, obsess over his mother and stand in front of an Alice Cooper poster? What’s next? Is he gonna throw on a fucking hockey mask and go to space? Michael was interesting because he wasn’t Jason Voorhees. He was stealthy and tactical, eerie and ethereal. This shit is too much.

Why is Sheri Moon just floating around robed in white with a horse haunting her family? Oh yeah, you get a definition of “white horse” at the very beginning. Oh ok, cool. That totally makes those scenes less dumb.

Why would a girl who’s suffering serious post traumatic stress over the fact that her family and friends were just murdered by a serial killer only 2 years prior have a poster of Charles Manson hanging above her bed? Moreover, why would a film that’s so hung up on this idea make the same mistake? (Big ups to my LB homie Hollie for pointing that one out, cause it’s pretty spot on.)

Why isn’t that werewolf kid just getting the fuck down in his van on Halloween with the horny-ass girl that’s dressed up like Frank-N-Furter? Shitin’ bed there, partner.

So many questions. And many more if I sat and thought about it longer.

At least it wraps the story up nicely and leaves little room for any continuation, so we can imagine the Akkad’s are done with this iteration of Michael Myers at least. But hell, you can never count out a horror sequel.

If you liked Rob’s original, you might enjoy this, however I think it may just be a bit too left of bizarre for casual fans of the remake. It’s a weird sequel, to be sure.

If you didn’t like 2007’s Halloween and have never seen this, it’s a crap shoot. I know people who hate it more and others who appreciate it more, so even then you’re on your own.

Personally, I wouldn’t recommend adding this to your Halloween lineup. Unless of course your  options are Chubbies, Killer Eye 2 or The Fear 2, then I would strongly advise grabbing this one instead. There’s at least some fun gore and some holiday appropriate atmosphere, and ya know,…it feels like an actual movie.

But sadly for me, it gets a big fat non-Don Post mask down.

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 9th: Frankenstein and Me (1996)

I was on the hunt for this little VHS oddity for some time, ultimately expecting to get a huge chunk of kiddie-monster cheese starring Burt Reynolds.

I was pleasantly surprised on several accounts.

First and foremost, it featured Halloween, which was completely unknown to me. That’s a serious bonus right there.

Secondly, it’s a period piece (though take that usage loosely) set in the “70’s.” Double bonus.

Thrice over, old Burt is actually pretty good here as the trucker father to a pair of imaginative young dreamers that are also huge horror nerds. Dad even scores them copies of Famous Monsters from the road and let’s them watch all kinds of cool movies. All right pops!

And lastly, the real treat tucked into Frankenstein and Me are all the loving horror sequences peppered throughout. See, Earl tells his younger brother Larry all kinds of little stories throughout the film. Each time, that story is realized visually for us, and each time it’s an awesome little classic horror-homage featuring the boys themselves and their friends, including a ridiculously young Ryan Gosling. They tackle Frankenstein, Night of the Living Dead, The Wolf Man and even Brides of Dracula. It’s awesome.

Halloween is not a big part of Frankenstein and Me, but it is an important part and it features the kids sneaking into a special Halloween screening of Night of the Living Dead at the drive-in.

Eventually, Earl happens upon the “real” Frankenstein’s Monster, which (believe it or not) falls off a truck. Earl takes the him home with designs to bring the creature back to life.

Frankenstein and Me surprised the hell out of me. I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did, and certainly not for the reasons I did, and maybe that’s making me like it more than I should. I dunno, but if you’re in need of a family-friendly but also horror-fan friendly Halloween selection this year (and you can find it….took me some hunting and waiting) then Frankenstein and Me will more than fit the bill.

5 horror homages up!

Designation: Treat!

 

Oct. 8th: Scary Movie (1990)

Ever stood in line for a shitty, low-rent haunted house? Well, I hope you enjoyed the hell out of that experience if you’re planning on watching 1990’s Scary Movie, because about half the runtime here is gonna be just that.

One of a number of genre skeletons in the closet of academy award nominee John “I Didn’t Say Help Us” Hawkes, Scary Movie finds him waiting for, and then wandering around endlessly through said haunted house. Sound pretty scary? Yeah, it’s not, but it’s probably still more aptly titled than the Wayans’ Brothers spoof, though less so than Kevin Williamson’s original Scream script.

This is kind of similar to Hauntedween, without most of the charm or watchability. Basically a killer escapes on Halloween night and holes up in a local haunt, where he can don a mask and go undetected.

It’s sort of  fun, as it is somewhat amusing to watch Hawkes fumble around as the biggest Halloweenie moviedom may have ever produced, but there’s little here to justify much of a recommendation for anyone outside of completists. There’s really no horror, or fun characters, or much of a plot, or even that sense of low-budget love that permeates an endeavor like the aforementioned Hauntedween.

This makes for a long haul, even at 80 minutes, which is never a good sign. At the halfway point I’m pretty sure nothing has happened whatsoever, outside of the initial escape and all that waiting in line. By the end, nothing much more has happened either.

However, there’s a good amount of Halloween on display in Scary Movie and that’s really what we’re on about here. You need to be bringing one of at least 2 things to the table for a Treat designation: watchability (however abstrusely defined) or an abundance of some Halloween goodness. Scary Movie offers more of the latter than the former, but there’s some joy to be found here if you’re not too picky about your Halloween flicks.

And, despite being fairly predictable, the ending sort of lands on its feet. It doesn’t make up for how arduous it is to get there, but it’s something like a reward for time served.

It’s still early in the month, so have at it, if you’re bored, need a dose of Halloween atmosphere and aren’t feeling too discerning this October evening.

This one gets a pile of pumpkins and a tootsie roll, cause I love pumpkins and hate tootsie rolls.

Designation: Tric…er…Treat I guess…but not an emphatic one.

 

Oct. 7th: Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011)

Wait, Charley Band made a Halloween movie?!

Well, despite being from 2011, which almost immediately guaranteed it’s awfulness, I decided to give it a shot anyway.

Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt, aka Meta Eye: Revenge of the Full Moon Props in a Witchy Lady’s Shitty Home Haunt, aka Annoying White Chicks Watch The Original Killer Eye Then Experience Various State of Undress is about as awful as all those titles sound and about as Halloweeny as the seasonal aisle at a CVS on November 2nd.

To be fair, there’s some genuine moments of humor when the girls are goofing on the original film, which they’ve decided to watch while “setting up” the “haunted house” of the title. This is not a haunted house, it’s just the main girl’s mom’s house. It’s not even a legit home haunt. It’s just her house and it’s not cool. It has some newish, cheeseball decorations around and a lot of Full Moon props, but that’s about it.

This all leads to a horny and perverted Eyeball prop coming to life and hypnotizing the girls to take off their clothes and pretend to make-out with each other.

Which is pretty much every 14 year old horror fan’s dream, assuming of course it’s still 1992 and the only way you can see a breast in motion is by staring intently at scrambled Spice channel feed or happening upon a Skin-a-max Emmaulle tale. Unfortunately it’s 2011 and I’m not sure who this thing is directed at. Why make this type of horror movie anymore?

When just about any innocuous Google search has the possibility of returning results that would make a harlot blush, what draw does any of this nonsense have? Beats the hell out of me. It’s certainly not the story (of which there is barely one) or the effects (which are cheap and unimpressive) or the acting (which is serviceable at its utmost best.) So it has to be the nudity, right?

This won’t even amuse lovers of bad cinema the way the original Killer Eye might. It’s too aware for all that. It’s not good, but when the product isn’t in earnest, that trick just doesn’t treat.

With the exception of clips from the original, there aren’t any dudes in this movie, so there’s that. And for what it’s worth, it passes the Bechdel Test several times over. Granted, none of those conversations are worth hearing anyway, but they qualify none the less.

As I mentioned above, this movie isn’t even bringing the Halloween. No fun atmosphere, no seasonal feel, just some shitty, non-vintage decorations scattered about.

I give this 4 tits and a shitty Full Moon prop down.

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 6th: Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

“Sometimes dead is better,”  Fred Gwynne’s Judd reminds us in the original Pet Sematary, and I doubt I’m the first (or even the 500th) person in the last 24 years to suggest this sequel should have just heeded its predecessor’s simple ethos.

But, from the grand and seemingly endless roster of unnecessary, forgettable and otherwise ill-advised horror sequels, Pet Sematary 2 isn’t the worst you could pull. It’s certainly not the best, but it’s definitely not the worst.

Buried underneath the rocks of its cliched continuation1, contrived plot mechanics2, goofball one-liners3 and general soul-lessness4, there rises an autumnal atmosphere that works pretty well for the season. Aided in no small part by a fun (yet all too brief) Halloween sequence at the Pet Sematary, where Edward Furlong hears the murderous tale of the Creed resurrections.

Some gory FX’s from Steve Johnson and a creepy turn from Clancy Brown make this Halloween treat a bit easier to scarf down though, even when Goose is trying to be a tough guy and John Conner is acting like idiot.

Plus, it ends with another Ramones song and that’s a pretty cool move just on its own.

I give it 1 fat Dracula and a Kurgan up,.. but a shitty knock-off Jason down. So I’ll hand it a comparative…

Designation: Treat

1  Hey, I’m a new kid in town. My mom just died and my dad’s a veterinarian…wink wink.

2  Why would you ever bury your asshole stepdad in the old Micmac grounds when your newly resurrected dog murdered him? It’s not like you’ll be in trouble. Look at the fucking corpse! You’re good. Clearly an animal did this…an evil zombie animal you resurrected by…BURYING IN THE OLD MICMAC GROUNDS! I get that the “ground” has a “pull” to it, but c’mon now. Lewis’ motivations are full of grief and guilt and sadness and loss. This is his dead son…ok, snap. This is his dead wife…but maybe he waited to long last time. It’s not a good idea, but its understandable. And why are zombie’s burying people there too? Are they trying to create a master zombie race? What the hell is going on here?

3  “Look’s like daddy got a boo-boo.”

4  See: film

Oct. 5th: Chubbies (2014)

What would you do if your uncle owned a bowling alley and you had a bunch of Boglins just sitting in the attic? Why you’d make a terrible horror-comedy in the vein of Slime-Ball Bowl-O-Rama or Ghoulies, right?

Well, that’s what these bozos attempted to do, and I can’t recommend you not watch Chubbies more this Halloween season.

In fact, if this list accomplishes only one task, my hope is that it will ward off at least 1 potential viewer from having to endure this mess in the effort to grab some Halloween themed fun. Don’t be fooled, that poster is the coolest thing this movie has going for it. Staring at it for 80 minutes would be more enjoyable that watching this movie. This movie doesn’t deserve that poster.

Chubbies is the worst sort of amateur effort; charmless, tedious, repetitive and filled to the brim with unfunny nonsense.

It’s also painfully aware of how awful it is, yet believes wholeheartedly in its own brand of foolish humor. This can land, if the jokes have a runway and there’s a fun approach. Chubbies has neither and ends up crashing into the air traffic control tower. While there were a few spots where I caught myself chuckling slightly, this business is not something I’d deem funny, and I’m fairly generous in that distinction.

I think what makes me angriest though is it that they ruined 3 perfectly good (and presumably collectible) Boglins in the process of making this.

It does get a few recommendation points for it’s bitchin’ Slasher (Acid Witch) Dave score. Another awesome thing Chubbies has and doesn’t deserve. You can enjoy this score completely separate from the film however, which I would recommend doing.

As for festiveness, well it takes place on Halloween, at a bowling alley somewhat decorated for Halloween, with a few people kind of dressed up for Halloween. In fact, one of the only bits that works here involves multiple guest dressing up as Bowie’s Goblin King. There’s some trick or treating as well, so the movie isn’t completely devoid of spirit, but it’s devoid of just about everything else.

Avoid at all cost, or you’ll have a very unhappy Halloween with the irritatingly crude and tiresome bullshit.

3 boglins down!

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 4th: Silver Bullet (1985)

Ya know, there’s nothing terribly Halloweeny about Silver Bullet. That’s ok though, because there’s nothing terribly Halloweeny about October 4th either, so it kind of works.

Silver Bullet does however feature the word “Halloween,” a jack-o-lantern, and the mention of trick or treaters. That’s about it. Sure, the entire climax takes place on Halloween (though technically, since Gary Busey says it’s almost 3am, it takes place on November 1st) but that climax isn’t all that steeped in Halloweeniness.

Unless of course you consider a giant fucking Werewolf blasting through the wall and starting some shit “Halloweeny.” Given the context, I kind of do. I might add that this is a horrifying thing to have happen to you on the Eve of All Saints. Rather festive as well, if I do say so myself.

Silver Bullet otherwise is a bit of a mixed bag . The performances are hit and miss, some moments have genuine tension while other feel a little silly. Carlo Rambaldi’s suit runs hot and cold as well. Sometimes the wolf looks great, sometimes not so great.

There are some pretty vicious scenes however, and the whole movie has that creepy sort of atmosphere that feels good on an chilly October night, all fog and small town Stephen Kingish.

Plus you got a drunken Gary Busey going mano y mano with a werewolf, Corey Haim on his rocket wheelchair getting run down by Big Ed Hurley, and Joe Cabot brandishing a Louisville Slugger named “Peace Maker.”

Despite its flaws, I still enjoy Silver Bullet. Maybe it’s the 80’s, maybe it’s the Gary Busey, or maybe I’m just soft on a movie that decapitates a dude in the first 2 minutes. Shit, toss in a lone Jack-O-Lantern why not. The Shindig’s game.

I’ll give it 1 Jack-O-Lantern and a Drunk Gary Busey up!

Designation: Treat!

 

Oct. 3rd: Deadly Friend (1986)

Ah Deadly Friend, one in a series of answers Wes Craven had to the question “Hey, why don’t you make another Nightmare on Elm Street film?” that didn’t really hit it off with critics or with fans. I’m not even sure this one found its legs on video or with the benefit of age, but it’s a movie I kinda dig all the same.

Mostly that has to do with BB, the Johnny-5-esque, artificially intelligent robot constructed by main character and boy-genius Paul. I love this fucking guy. He’s awesome and his voice and nonsensical dialogue are of the hilarious variety, performed as they are by Charles Fleischer, also known to the world as Roger Rabbit.

But on Halloween night, BB is destroyed by a shotgun wielding Mama Fratelli. Paul manages to save BB’s brain though and keep it for a rainy day.

That day soon appears when Sam, Paul’s next door neighbor (and object of his teen desires) is punched straight down some stairs by her dickhead father, resulting in her untimely death. What’s a budding young, love-struck mad-scientist to do?

Why he plays Frankenstein and steals her corpse, of course. He then implants BB’s CPU directly into Sam’s dead brain. How could that possibly go wrong?

While not Craven’s best, this troubled production rises above its studio and test audience tampering to become some sort of bizarre mishmash of gore, sci-fi and teenage romance that’s an (at least) interesting installment in his storied career.

It’s like watching Craven, the studio and the audience all duke it out on screen to make the movie as it’s unfolding, and the results are strange.

Is it what Wes intended? Doubtful. Is it what the studio wanted? Definitely not. Is it what audiences wanted? I dunno, but if the audience is The Shindig, we’re on board with this weirdness.

There’s not much Halloween in Deadly Friend, but that’s why we’re socking it so early in the month. There’s enough to be festive and the rest of the plot is just ridiculous enough to be an enjoyable 80’s sci-fi-horror-love-story-murder-bot romp.

Plus, Kristy Swanson is too much, lobstering-around in her robot state murdering people, not to have a good time.

I give it 1 flagrant foul and muttering robot up!

Designation: Treat!deadly-friend1

Oct. 2nd: The Fear 2: Halloween Night (1999)

Some Halloween movies only feature a small scene or two concerning the actual holiday. Some Halloween movies revolve entirely around it or take place exclusively on the Eve of All Saints. Some even go so far as to use the word “Halloween” in their title.

Few movies, however, have the balls to do this and then deliver about as much Halloween as a St. Patrick’s Day Parade (Silver Shamrock notwithstanding.)

The Fear 2: Halloween Night is one of those proud few.

Yes, The Fear 2 (as I will henceforth refer to it…without it’s bogus Halloween by-line) does technically take place on Halloween. Yes, there are people dressed up in “costumes” for a “Halloween Party.” No, despite this, it will not put you in the Halloween spirit.

Ya see, Mike’s dad was a murderous nutjob who made people reveal their deepest fears before butchering them to pieces. One Halloween, Mike saw his dad murder his own mother, and was subsequently kidnapped by him and stuffed into a trunk with Morty, the wooden Indian fear-totem which came to life in the original film.

20 years later, Mike decides to get all his friends together at the old house with Morty and enact this exact process of fear delving as a way to not become his father an exorcise those particular demons.

Yeah, it’s a bad plan. It’s also a dumb plot for a movie, one that The Fear 2 indulges in with little fanfare.

It’s not even that The Fear 2 is that bad of a movie. For all intents and purposes it’s fine. It’s not what The Fear 2 is, so much as what it isn’t. Namely, it isn’t scary, it isn’t interesting, it isn’t gory, it features no nudity and it’s isn’t even all that cheesy or fun.

They try to make Morty spew some one-liners as a last ditch effort after endless scenes of him doing absolutely nothing, but it just doesn’t have any ronic or ironic joy to it. It’s just dumb.

The Fear 2 is the worst kind of movie, a middling slog that feels too stupid to be good but just good enough to be wholly unentertaining. It’s simply there, happening in front of your eyes without engaging you in the least.

That fact that you can add it’s almost complete lack of Halloween atmosphere to the pile just makes The Fear 2 one big Halloween trick.

I’m giving this offering a cardbox box and a sheet with question marks down!

Designation: Trick!

 

Revenge of the Halloween Sequel!

Horror is certainly a genre known for rampant sequelization. Even the franchises that never got to stretch their legs into the 4’s, 5’s and beyond, typically got at least one ill-advised sequel.

This year I started noticing a little trend. For some reason, that second installment had a bizarre tendency to cram Halloween into the mix.

Why? Is it more horror-y? Is it just more fun? Is it a lazy solution to the problem of developing a new story? Whatever the reason, The Shindig certainly isn’t complaining.

This 2016 iteration of the countdown features 8 second installments, only 3 of which are sequels to already established Halloween films. If you count C.H.U.D. 2 (featured on the original 2013 lineup) that’s 6 horrors sequels that just up and decided to shove Halloween onto the menu. That’s pretty awesome.

There’s probably even more too, who knows? But 8 is good enough for us, and definitely enough to declare this list The Revenge of the Halloween Sequel!

 

Oct. 1st: Kenny and Company (1976)

We’re gonna kick off the season and our countdown with this fun, non-horror Halloween debut from Mr. Phantasm himself.

Before Don Coscarelli, Michael Baldwin and Reggie Bannister stared down death in the form of an inter-dimensional undertaker with flying spheres, they tackled death in a much different way with a family movie framed (no doubt quite intentionally) by Halloween.

Kenny and Company is a good-natured, casual and often amusing tale where very authentic and (actually) young kids in the 70’s do a bunch a shit you’d never see kids doing in a family movie nowadays. They build stuff, daydream, play outside, trick or treat alone, get shot at, look at nudie mags and face bullies without intervention from a committee of concerned buttinskis.

It’s also a mediation on coming-of-age while learning about death that feels loosely parallel to Phantasm.

But most importantly to us, it’s all surrounded by Halloween, culminating in a lot fun hi-jinx and ambiance as the kids go trick or treating.

Starting off with a great animated pumpkin, the film makes no bones about its Halloween intentions, but it is not a film based on Halloween itself, but rather uses it to mirror death (and Kenny’s awakening to it); the age-old ending of the seasons.

There’s nothing scary or horrific about Kenny and Company, but it’s an entertaining glimpse into an America that no longer exists. It also provides plenty of festive imagery for an autumn evening, and heralds in the the month of October nicely.

For Phantasm fans it’s should prove especially interesting to see Michael (who’s quite good here as Doug) and Reggie being directed by Don outside of their usual Tall Man adventure.

This one gets 2 Jack-O-Lanterns, a Paper mache bear head and a Bill Malone mask up. Dig in!

Designation: Treat!

Return of the 31 Days of Halloween Horror 2: Revenge of the Halloween Sequels: Trick or Treat?

Back in October of 2013, The Shindig featured a countdown of 31 Halloween-specific movies for readers to sink their teeth into.We decided it was high time to shove our hands into that candy dish once again and pull out another 31 Halloween flicks to frighten up your festivities.

31 more?

Sure. Hell, you could probably make three separate lists of 31 and still have leftovers. But the pickins are sure to get slimmer with each successive grab.

So we’re going have to dig a bit deeper this year, as most of the heavy hitters got pulled last time. And while there’s bound to be a few small tootsie rolls and some off-brand bullshit nobody wants, I’ll bet there’s still a couple of king-sized Snickers down there at the bottom.

Truth be told, there was a bunch of shitty Halloween candy down there this year and we could not pull out 31 more films we could wholly recommend. As such, we’ve decided to break up the offerings into “Tricks” and “Treats.” Some of these will undoubtedly have open wrappers and look particularly suspicious, so consume at your own risk.

Now, come on Weeners! Let’s go souling this season and see what we mummers can scare up for Samhain.