trick

Oct. 20th: A Halloween Puppy (2012)

Ho-ly shit.

Listen, I understand I’m not the intended audience here, but I put this on the list back in September and I’m sticking to it, goddammit. Besides, I enjoy a lot of kid’s movies that aren’t intended for me, particularly Halloween related offerings.

But seeing as how I’m not the target demographic, does that inherently prevent me from being able to enjoy it or mean that I should avoid analyzing it? Probably, but I’m doing it anyway. I believe a good kid’s movie shouldn’t be something that only children can enjoy, and if you have kids, you’re gonna have to sit there and at least sort of watch it too. So let’s try look at this thing as objectively as possible.

Let’s start with what’s going on. A dorky horror nerd loves Halloween and his lonely Mom has Eric Roberts as her aloof CPA boyfriend. Yeah, Best of the Best Eric Roberts.

This kid has a girl best-friend that’s kind of into witchcraft, I guess. These 2 accidentally turn Eric Roberts into a bulldog on Halloween. Now they have to drive to a forest retreat for the weekend with the dog and wait for Eric Roberts to show up. But where is he? Why he’s right there and all kind of mishaps  ensue, right?

Well, in theory, but actually nothing really happens. What a drag. The dog doesn’t even ruin anything. Nothing about this dog is even remotely Halloweeny. No witch hat, no spooky barking, no skeleton onesie, no candy eating, no nothing. What gives, gang?

The check-cashing Eric Roberts looks and sounds more bored with this nonsense than I am, but he might just be the best thing about this movie. In fact, he’s definitely that.

Everyone else is serviceable in their underwritten roles as placeholders for puppy interaction. No one is great, but no one is so bad it hurts. Except maybe the older witch lady that lives in the other cabin. She’s pretty awful.

How entertaining is it? Well, that depends.

If you’re a 7 year old that’s really into watching recycled footage on a bulldog eating grass, being pet and stomping around, then it’s probably awesome. I am not that, so this was a bit tiring.

But how Halloweeny is it? Honestly, barely. All of the above could be totally forgivable if the movie oozed a silly-spooky festive Halloween vibe. Taking place and being shot in Southern California isn’t doing its Halloween quotient any favors. People talk about Halloween a bunch, but it’s really nowhere to be found. There’s a lot of cheeseball Halloween transitions that are fun, but when it comes to festive atmosphere, A Halloween Puppy‘s got next to none.

I can’t really heap a bunch of criticism on this one, because for what it is, it’s fine. It’s harmless enough family fare that goes by pretty quickly that I’m sure would keep little kids entertained with its upbeat and silly soundtrack atop it’s, puppy shenanigans.

But I can not recommend you just watch A Halloween Puppy though. I can’t even recommend you have your kids watch A Halloween Puppy, not when there are such festive options at your fingertips as Ernest Scared Stupid, Hocus Pocus, Monster House, Frankenweenie, The Worst Witch, Spaced Invaders and a whole host of awesome Halloween cartoon specials.

This one’s just not bringing the entertainment, even any unintentional shrapnel joy. But more criminally, it’s not even coming through on the Halloween. I should have just watched Spooky Buddies instead. In fact, I just might do that. I have hole next week with no movie to fill.

2 pumpkin wipes down.

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 16th: Mr. Halloween (2006)

Take a pinch of Carpenter’s Halloween, add a dash of A Bucket of Blood, a quarter cup Hauntedween and then mix that with every movie you’ve seen made by high schoolers for approximately 112 minutes and you’ll get Mr. Halloween.

Wait, hold on. 112 minutes?

Yeah.

While not an unvaliant effort for a couple of kids armed with their family and friends and a budget that might score you a used 2006 Toyota Corolla, Mr. Halloween still well overstays his welcome. You could trim a metric ton of nougat off of this treat and probably have something resembling kind of edible.

Nothing this low-budget should be anywhere near 2 hours long. 90 minutes is pushing it, but 80 is probably your sweet spot, with a brisk 70-75 giving you just enough time to get in, show your stuff and get out before leaving a bad taste in the audience’s mouth.

I want Mr. Halloween to be that. There’s a lot of good here for some amateur fans making a go at a full length feature. Part of me wants to re-edit Mr. Halloween to be just that.

As it stands though, you have to chew through a lot nonsense to find just a small caramel center. People walking, unnecessary conversations with tedious dialogue, precious seconds of run-time just blown on the empty spaces between things. Spaces where tension could be created with the right kind of editing.

Essentially Bill Loomis is an upstate New York weirdo who runs a local garage haunt, a haunt rumored to use real bodies in its displays. Everyone in town calls this goofball “Mr. Halloween.” So why do so few genuinely suspect this guy for the disappearances of all the local high-school kids? Good question. It’ll take you about 10 minutes to figure it out and about and hour and a half for the movie to confirm your suspicions.

The Wolf brothers are clearly fans of horror and there’s some ideas and scenes here that rise above their surroundings. Particularly the early sequences in the haunt itself, which are pretty fun. I think the movie could have used more of that spirit.

It’s a genuine effort though, totally earnest in its presentation. I applaud these kids for making it and then (even more impressively) getting it picked up by a distribution company and getting it out there. Those are feats unto themselves at all stages.

In my heart I want to recommend Mr. Halloween, but I really can’t. It’s too serious to have much fun with, its shortcomings aren’t of the laughable variety and it’s simply just too long.

This one gets 1 guillotine down but a smiling jack-o-lantern up for effort.

Designation: Trick

Oct. 10th: Halloween II (2009)

I love Halloween. Be that the holiday, the music, the decorations, or the movie itself from John Carpenter.

As such, I avoided Rob Zombie’s remake for almost a decade. I finally gave in this year though, trawling for footage to use in the montage The Shindig is currently putting together for the opening of The Art of the Halloween Mask show.

I also figured “Hell, this is a Halloween blog. How long can I keep on doing this with a clear conscience having never watched Rob’s remakes?”

Very easily apparently. And I should have kept right on doing just that.

I won’t even talk about the original here. No, this is a minor celebration of the Halloween sequel, so we’re begrudgingly adding this sequel to the mix this year.

Though I did not like Halloween II, I did enjoy it more than Rob’s original for 4 distinct reasons:

1.) It actually kind of remakes the original Halloween II, at least for the first 20 minutes or so, and it’s probably the best portion of the movie. Remake sequels never remake the original sequel, and that was cool to see. Then it has to go and reveal that’s it was all just a dream. Oh well. One can dream I guess.

2.) Aside from that, it’s its own beast, with a more original and interesting container than the box the remake bursts from and then forces itself back into.

3.) It pulls off the trick of making the dumb “Laurie is Michael’s sister” plot work…in context. It always felt like a cheesy add-on in the original Halloween II. In Rob’s version it feels organic and the depths of what that might mean are not only examined, but they are at the heart of his story.

4.) It’s more Halloweeny.

Other than that though, I can’t say there’s much here I enjoyed.

Why have they made Loomis, once a great horror hero for the ages, such a scumbaggy jerk? Is it cool to just flip the script on him? Didn’t seem cool.

Why is Michael some roided-out hobo version of Rob Zombie who barely wears his mask? And was he not Voorheesed-up enough in the original that they had to make him skulk through the woods, obsess over his mother and stand in front of an Alice Cooper poster? What’s next? Is he gonna throw on a fucking hockey mask and go to space? Michael was interesting because he wasn’t Jason Voorhees. He was stealthy and tactical, eerie and ethereal. This shit is too much.

Why is Sheri Moon just floating around robed in white with a horse haunting her family? Oh yeah, you get a definition of “white horse” at the very beginning. Oh ok, cool. That totally makes those scenes less dumb.

Why would a girl who’s suffering serious post traumatic stress over the fact that her family and friends were just murdered by a serial killer only 2 years prior have a poster of Charles Manson hanging above her bed? Moreover, why would a film that’s so hung up on this idea make the same mistake? (Big ups to my LB homie Hollie for pointing that one out, cause it’s pretty spot on.)

Why isn’t that werewolf kid just getting the fuck down in his van on Halloween with the horny-ass girl that’s dressed up like Frank-N-Furter? Shitin’ bed there, partner.

So many questions. And many more if I sat and thought about it longer.

At least it wraps the story up nicely and leaves little room for any continuation, so we can imagine the Akkad’s are done with this iteration of Michael Myers at least. But hell, you can never count out a horror sequel.

If you liked Rob’s original, you might enjoy this, however I think it may just be a bit too left of bizarre for casual fans of the remake. It’s a weird sequel, to be sure.

If you didn’t like 2007’s Halloween and have never seen this, it’s a crap shoot. I know people who hate it more and others who appreciate it more, so even then you’re on your own.

Personally, I wouldn’t recommend adding this to your Halloween lineup. Unless of course your  options are Chubbies, Killer Eye 2 or The Fear 2, then I would strongly advise grabbing this one instead. There’s at least some fun gore and some holiday appropriate atmosphere, and ya know,…it feels like an actual movie.

But sadly for me, it gets a big fat non-Don Post mask down.

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 7th: Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011)

Wait, Charley Band made a Halloween movie?!

Well, despite being from 2011, which almost immediately guaranteed it’s awfulness, I decided to give it a shot anyway.

Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt, aka Meta Eye: Revenge of the Full Moon Props in a Witchy Lady’s Shitty Home Haunt, aka Annoying White Chicks Watch The Original Killer Eye Then Experience Various State of Undress is about as awful as all those titles sound and about as Halloweeny as the seasonal aisle at a CVS on November 2nd.

To be fair, there’s some genuine moments of humor when the girls are goofing on the original film, which they’ve decided to watch while “setting up” the “haunted house” of the title. This is not a haunted house, it’s just the main girl’s mom’s house. It’s not even a legit home haunt. It’s just her house and it’s not cool. It has some newish, cheeseball decorations around and a lot of Full Moon props, but that’s about it.

This all leads to a horny and perverted Eyeball prop coming to life and hypnotizing the girls to take off their clothes and pretend to make-out with each other.

Which is pretty much every 14 year old horror fan’s dream, assuming of course it’s still 1992 and the only way you can see a breast in motion is by staring intently at scrambled Spice channel feed or happening upon a Skin-a-max Emmaulle tale. Unfortunately it’s 2011 and I’m not sure who this thing is directed at. Why make this type of horror movie anymore?

When just about any innocuous Google search has the possibility of returning results that would make a harlot blush, what draw does any of this nonsense have? Beats the hell out of me. It’s certainly not the story (of which there is barely one) or the effects (which are cheap and unimpressive) or the acting (which is serviceable at its utmost best.) So it has to be the nudity, right?

This won’t even amuse lovers of bad cinema the way the original Killer Eye might. It’s too aware for all that. It’s not good, but when the product isn’t in earnest, that trick just doesn’t treat.

With the exception of clips from the original, there aren’t any dudes in this movie, so there’s that. And for what it’s worth, it passes the Bechdel Test several times over. Granted, none of those conversations are worth hearing anyway, but they qualify none the less.

As I mentioned above, this movie isn’t even bringing the Halloween. No fun atmosphere, no seasonal feel, just some shitty, non-vintage decorations scattered about.

I give this 4 tits and a shitty Full Moon prop down.

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 5th: Chubbies (2014)

What would you do if your uncle owned a bowling alley and you had a bunch of Boglins just sitting in the attic? Why you’d make a terrible horror-comedy in the vein of Slime-Ball Bowl-O-Rama or Ghoulies, right?

Well, that’s what these bozos attempted to do, and I can’t recommend you not watch Chubbies more this Halloween season.

In fact, if this list accomplishes only one task, my hope is that it will ward off at least 1 potential viewer from having to endure this mess in the effort to grab some Halloween themed fun. Don’t be fooled, that poster is the coolest thing this movie has going for it. Staring at it for 80 minutes would be more enjoyable that watching this movie. This movie doesn’t deserve that poster.

Chubbies is the worst sort of amateur effort; charmless, tedious, repetitive and filled to the brim with unfunny nonsense.

It’s also painfully aware of how awful it is, yet believes wholeheartedly in its own brand of foolish humor. This can land, if the jokes have a runway and there’s a fun approach. Chubbies has neither and ends up crashing into the air traffic control tower. While there were a few spots where I caught myself chuckling slightly, this business is not something I’d deem funny, and I’m fairly generous in that distinction.

I think what makes me angriest though is it that they ruined 3 perfectly good (and presumably collectible) Boglins in the process of making this.

It does get a few recommendation points for it’s bitchin’ Slasher (Acid Witch) Dave score. Another awesome thing Chubbies has and doesn’t deserve. You can enjoy this score completely separate from the film however, which I would recommend doing.

As for festiveness, well it takes place on Halloween, at a bowling alley somewhat decorated for Halloween, with a few people kind of dressed up for Halloween. In fact, one of the only bits that works here involves multiple guest dressing up as Bowie’s Goblin King. There’s some trick or treating as well, so the movie isn’t completely devoid of spirit, but it’s devoid of just about everything else.

Avoid at all cost, or you’ll have a very unhappy Halloween with the irritatingly crude and tiresome bullshit.

3 boglins down!

Designation: Trick!

 

Oct. 2nd: The Fear 2: Halloween Night (1999)

Some Halloween movies only feature a small scene or two concerning the actual holiday. Some Halloween movies revolve entirely around it or take place exclusively on the Eve of All Saints. Some even go so far as to use the word “Halloween” in their title.

Few movies, however, have the balls to do this and then deliver about as much Halloween as a St. Patrick’s Day Parade (Silver Shamrock notwithstanding.)

The Fear 2: Halloween Night is one of those proud few.

Yes, The Fear 2 (as I will henceforth refer to it…without it’s bogus Halloween by-line) does technically take place on Halloween. Yes, there are people dressed up in “costumes” for a “Halloween Party.” No, despite this, it will not put you in the Halloween spirit.

Ya see, Mike’s dad was a murderous nutjob who made people reveal their deepest fears before butchering them to pieces. One Halloween, Mike saw his dad murder his own mother, and was subsequently kidnapped by him and stuffed into a trunk with Morty, the wooden Indian fear-totem which came to life in the original film.

20 years later, Mike decides to get all his friends together at the old house with Morty and enact this exact process of fear delving as a way to not become his father an exorcise those particular demons.

Yeah, it’s a bad plan. It’s also a dumb plot for a movie, one that The Fear 2 indulges in with little fanfare.

It’s not even that The Fear 2 is that bad of a movie. For all intents and purposes it’s fine. It’s not what The Fear 2 is, so much as what it isn’t. Namely, it isn’t scary, it isn’t interesting, it isn’t gory, it features no nudity and it’s isn’t even all that cheesy or fun.

They try to make Morty spew some one-liners as a last ditch effort after endless scenes of him doing absolutely nothing, but it just doesn’t have any ronic or ironic joy to it. It’s just dumb.

The Fear 2 is the worst kind of movie, a middling slog that feels too stupid to be good but just good enough to be wholly unentertaining. It’s simply there, happening in front of your eyes without engaging you in the least.

That fact that you can add it’s almost complete lack of Halloween atmosphere to the pile just makes The Fear 2 one big Halloween trick.

I’m giving this offering a cardbox box and a sheet with question marks down!

Designation: Trick!