TRACK #95:

I’m Back by Sorcery

Ah, Rocktober Blood. 2 little words that promise so many things.

3 things, to be more precise. But 3 big ones: Rock, Blood, and October, which around here, means Halloween.

I’d normally say 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, but when the 3rd is Halloween, consolation is a tough commodity.

Alas, the broken promises that are Rocktober Blood remain.

One guy mentions Halloween one time in passing. You could sneeze and miss it. There’s that, I guess.

He could have said anything though, that’s how completely fucking throwaway his statement is to what’s happening. It bears no importance on the plot, or even what he’s talking about. He could have just as easily said “by the end of the month” or “by Arbor Day” or by fucking anything other than Halloween.

It’s almost more upsetting that he even mentions Halloween at all, and that the rest of Rocktober Blood proceeds to laugh directly in your presupposing mug. Never assume is the lesson here, I’ll wager.

But no. Fuck that! Cause you named your goddamn movie Rocktober Blood and then didn’t even deliver 1 fucking pumpkin. Why is the movie even called this? Oh, cause that’s the bands name? Well, then why is the fucking band even called that? Oh, cause they’re all spooky and into Rock ‘N Roll Horror? Cause homeboy wears a mask onstage? Gimmie a break, fellas. I’ll give you it’s a totally bitchin’ Fang Face from Be Something Studios. That’s pretty Halloweeny, but they could have been name anything. Fuck, Fang Face would have been a better name. Even Sorcery (the actual band providing the music) is a better and more appropriate title for this band.

It’s all just disappointing in it’s abject mockery.

Alright. Well, that’s been buried deep within my heart for years. Feels good to let it out. Now lets take an objective look at Rocktober Blood, which despite the whole absence of Halloween debacle, ain’t half bad and probably one of the better Rock ‘N Roll Horror efforts.

It starts out really promising, immediately getting straight into the rock. We witness Billy Eye, lead singer, writer and all around genius behind Rocktober Blood, laying down the vocal track to his prophetic anthem and certified Shindigger I’m Back. 

After which he goes on a rampage, killing some audio techs and torturing his former girlfriend and back up singer Lynn. The kills are fun. Guy gets his face smashed into a pinball machine, and this chick gets impaled on a wall. Solid stuff. I’m pumped already.

After a feeble security guard catches Billy in the act and hilariously chokes out “uh….you’re arrested,” Billy chases after him and the film bizarrely fades out.

Flash forward 2 years – Billy’s dead, apparently captured and given the death penalty for his crimes (which included prior murders we didn’t get to see) and Lynn has inherited Rocktober Blood. She has renamed it “Headmistress” (a great chick-fronted metal band name if I ever heard one) and their playing all Billy’s old music. They’re at a pre-tour party. There’s schmoozing, coke blastin’ VJ knock-offs, and a general air of Rock ‘N Roll awesomeness. Still pumped.

These first 20 minutes or so are great. You’re getting 1 ass, 2 tits, 2 solid kills and 1 great Shindiggin’ tune straight out the gate. Then a little Rock ‘N Roll downtime. You feel like you’ve died and gone to Shindig heaven.

Then boom! The next hour hits and all your dreams are dashed. You sit idly by, awaiting more Rock or Blood or October. You get none.

What you do get is Lynn at a lakeside retreat, aerobicizing, bathing, getting prank phone calls, seeing Billy places and generally acting like a nutjob.  There’s some skin, a bizarre clothes iron attack, a scary jacuzzi attack, oh and Lynn digging up Billy’s grave. That’s a somewhat interesting part. It sounds great on paper, and with some editing and a little bit of sack, maybe it could have been. Unfortunately, it’s plodding and frustrating the way it plays out. Is Billy alive? Is he stalking her at the house? Is Lynn imagining all this? Who cares, where’s the fucking Rocktobering?

When the film decides to make good on 2 of its promises, it’s great. Bookended nicely as it is with adequate amounts of both blood and rocking. At least it ends strong, I’ll give it that, rockin’ you’re pants off with a 3 song death-concert that makes the rest of the stuff a little more forgivable. I just wish it wasn’t so chore-like to get there.

It really could have been the single greatest thing approached by this playlist. It could have been its Holy Grail, sitting on high, looking down at all the would-bes, coulda-beens and wanna-bes. Hell, Billy even utters the phrase Rock N Roll Horror for Christ’s sake.

Instead, it shuffles solemnly into its contented position somewhere at the bottom of the respectable 3rd of the list. Still, in its defense, it’s bringing the rock a lot harder than a good amount of these turkey’s, and for that it should be commended. But best Rock ‘N Roll Horror film of all time?

Nay, Rocktober Blood! Knell to your lord and master, Trick or Treat, a film which delivers on both the rock and the October. It even delivers on the supernatural level that you approach and then sidestep for some convoluted, Scooby-Doo-like stiff arm that de-awesomes the proceedings almost as much as your lack of pumpkins.

At least it has a decent soundtrack, one of a couple aspects giving it a leg up against the likes of Hard Rock Zombies or Terror On Tour, which both offer way more rocking, just with way shittier soundtracks.

Here’s the best thing about Rocktober Blood, and it’s literally the first 5 minutes of the film. It’s Billy Eyes bar setting resurrection anthem I’m Back by Sorcery.