At this point in our collective timeline, there’s probably more Christmas music than some actual, legitimate sub-genre’s of musical expression. It’s almost absurd just how much Christmas music there is out there.

A lot of people hate Christmas music and it’s hard to blame them. With a pool of tunes so deep, what we’re subjected to year after year probably amounts to about a 2 liter’s worth of actual music. The same damn 30 songs sung by the same damn 30 people. And even if they’re sung by someone else, it’s usually still the same damn songs.

This has led to an entire subculture committed to finding and compiling the strangest and most obscure Christmas songs imaginable. In the age of the internet, this has become much easier and more common. As such, my playlist here is by no means definitive, nor as thorough as some of the finest compilations you can find on the subject.

This is simply me throwing my hat in the ring with a fun playlist of some of weirdest Christmas songs I’ve come across over the years.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Here’s a helmet.

I’ll toss some notes below the player, if it do ya. Enjoy!

 

1.Merry Christmas You Suckers by Paddy Roberts (1962): What a way to kick off this bizarre playlist. Back in 1962, ole Paddy was hitting the nail pretty square on the head. Some 60 odd years later, this song seems more relevant than ever.

2. Cashing in on Christmas by Bad News (1987): Keeping with the theme of Christmas’ descent into capitalistic blood ritual, here comes UK butt-rockers Bad News with a self-aware satire of the music industry’s culpability in that very descent.

3. Ole Year Christmas by Sisterhood:  Ah. The wonderful world of Song-Poems. If you’re not familiar with Song-Poems, this link should take care of that for you. Now that you’re up to speed, rejoice that there’s an entire album of Christmas Song-Poems, and several of them are on this playlist.

4. Close Your Mouth (It’s Christmas) by The Free Design (1968): Here’s the antidote to all that commercial Christmas bullshit. The Free Design implore you to bring your mind and body back from the store and get to know the people in your house. You might like em!

5. Peace At Least by Rotary Connection (1968): This soulful number answers the age-old question “Why does Santa even do all this weird Christmas shit.” Well, evidentially, he’s high as fuck. In fact, he smokes mistletoe.

6. Honky the Christmas Goose by Johnny Bower (1961): Much like Dominick the Donkey, here’s another song about a Christmas animal you didn’t know existed, making a sound nobody likes. You can read all about this bizarre tune and it’s singer, Toronto Maple Leaf Goalie Johnny Bower here…

7. Merry Christmas in the NFL by Willis The Guard (1980): Speaking of Christmas sports, here’s a strange one-off from Pac-Man Fever scribes Jerry Buckner and Gary Garcia, utilizing the name Willis The Guard, a character from Atlanta Radio personality Bob Carr and the fictional band Vigorish. Weird.

8. A Tropical Winter by The 1970 San Francisco 49ers (1970): So this ad guy named Mike Tatich thought it would be real funny if football players sang Christmas songs. He then somehow magically convinced the newly minted NFL to back this cockamamie scheme. After that, he literally drove around the country recording all 26 teams singing classic Christmas tunes. Its fuckin’ nuts. You can read about this crazy-ass story in great detail here on Deadspin. This song, A Tropical Winter, is the only original number on the album. And more specifically, it comes from the San Francisco 49er’s iteration. There are 25 other versions of this very song, all sang by different teams, floating around in the world.

9. We Need Some Snow by Three Beat Slide (2016): This song is weird, no doubt, but what’s weirder is Three Beat Slide themselves and their videos. A family band in the grand sense, they produce perhaps the strangest tunes and videos this side of the Y2K bug. You owe it to yourself to click this link and enjoy.

10. Dying Snowman by Soulful Dynamic (1982): I’m not sure if you can call this an out and out Christmas song, but it’s 100% the kind of strange and obscure shit that this playlist was designed to feature. Absolutely bizarre.

11. Dear Mr. Claus by Paul Revere and The Raiders (1967): Here’s a little causal sexism straight outta 1967 for ya. Paul Revere and The Raiders have apparently been “good” all year, so naturally they ask Santa for a sort of mindless sex-slave, like the guy’s some kinda Yuletide pimp. Yep, that’s weird. And what is this request for, exactly? A sex doll? A robot? A flesh and blood mail order bride? Does Santa even have this ability? And where does she go exactly? In his sack? Riding alongside him in the sleigh? So many questions for Paul Revere and his Raiders.

12. Dear Santa (Bring Me a Man for Christmas) by The Weather Girls (1983): Apparently the great man-deluge of 1982 had all dried up, as The Weather Girls found themselves man-less by 1983. However, not wishing the fairer sex be left out Santa’s holiday human trafficking ring, they make a similar request of Jolly Ole Nick. And man can these ladies belt it.

13. Xmas Done Got Funky by Jimmy Jules and The Nuclear Soul System (1977): If you’re concerned that Christmas doesn’t seem the way it used to be, don’t you worry buddy. It just got a little bit funky, courtesy of the coolest group of dudes this side of Soulful Dynamic.

14. Funky Funky Christmas by The New Kids on The Block (1989): New Kids on the Block? Are you for real? Maybe, but you can’t tell me this song isn’t fuckin’ weird. Between that god-awful Santa voice, whatever this melody is supposed to be, the bizarre talking that’s not quite rapping, and the fact that there isn’t a lick of funk in a song which states as such not once, but twice (!) and you’ve got yourself one original, bona fide lump of Christmas coal.

15. The Christmas Rap by Crew X (1990): Rap songs about Christmas are so abundant I gave them their own playlist. However, I couldn’t include (in good conscience anyway) this ridiculous song from Crew X. And once you hear it, I’m sure you’ll agree, this is the right place for it. You can find this bizarro track tacked onto the end of an otherwise perfectly normal album of Christmas Rap music album called…well…Christmas Rap Music. Also weird, why exactly is this song not called The Santa Rap?

16. Rock and Roll Santa by Jan Terri (1994): The Get-Down Goblin herself, Ms. Jan Terri, returns to serenade us all with possibly her magnum-opus: Rock and Roll Santa. Straight up, if The Ramones sang this song, it would be a beloved holiday classic.

17. The Rocking Disco Santa Claus by Sisterhood: Well, it looks like Sisterhood is back, and this time, their gonna kick off a whole block of Disco Christmas tunes, with this weird-ass song poem. Don’t worry though, we left Disco Duck on the bench.

18. Disco Christmas by The Universal Robot Band (1977): Disco Christmas from The Universal Robot Band, is a fun-ass Disco Christmas song. The interplay between Santa and Rudolph in this bizarre tune is fantastic. Hearing Rudolph call Santa a “Jive Turkey” is just what you need this Christmas.

19. Christmas For Space by Universal Energy (1977): For some reason there seems to be shit ton of Christmas space songs. So, we thought we’d set the mood a bit with this weird instrumental, Christmas For Space, which seems less concerned with the actual sound of Christmas and more concerned with how cool 70’s string synthesizers sound. And for anyone playing along at home, the back masked message at the end of the song is…Christmas For Space…and a little of what sounds a whole hell of a lot like French.

20. Christmas in the Stars by Meco (1980):  Ah, the Star Wars Christmas album. If you’re unfamiliar with this relic of oddly conceived Star Wars tie-ins, then you’re in for a treat. Featuring actual C3PO actor, Anthony Daniels, and legendary sound designer Ben Burt!

21. Captain Santa Claus (and His Reindeer Space Patrol) by Bobby Helms (1957): A lot of songs posit Santa as having access to lavish technology to make his unfathomable Christmas trip. Since most of them are from the space-race era, typically this is a rocket of some kind. Captain Santa Claus goes the extra mile by affording Santa an actual rank. When his sleigh breaks down on Christmas Eve, the elves make him a rocket so he can still deliver presents. Hooray!

22: Outer Space Santa by The Lennon Sisters (1956):  So, apparently there’s children in space, and evidentially, they want shit for Christmas too. You needn’t worry though, earth dweller! Our terrestrial Santa is safe from celestial requests, it seems. He won’t be distracted from his earthly duties this Christmas, cause they have their own Santa out there in space. Good for them.

23: I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas with a Dalek by The Go-Gos (1964): Not sung by the American Go-Go’s as you might initially expect, this one comes from a British group of the same name who, in 1964, decided to catch a little Dalek fever. Now, I’m not much of a Dr. Who fan, but I am a fan of weird-ass Christmas songs, and this is certainly that, particularly considering these things this child is singing about are a murderous race of space-cyborgs.

24. Space Age Santa Claus by Pattie Marie Jay (1961): So here, Santa has a rocket sleigh again, but this time for some reason, he’s only bringing the Christmas spirit across the Solar System. Slacker.

25: R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas by Meco (1980): I love this album so much I had to include a second tune. But with so many great ones to choose from, which do you pick? Well, I had to go with this one, where a bunch of children proclaim their love for a trash can robot that doesn’t have emotions. Notable also for being the recording debut of a one Jon Bon Jovi. For real? I guess so.

26. Merry Christmas Santa Claus (You’re a Lovely Guy) by Max Headroom (1986): Look, I don’t know why 80’s icon and literal talking head Max Headroom has a Christmas song, but it’s pretty legit. Hell, with this choral accompaniment, I’ll bet you could sneak this into the rotation at the company Christmas party, and your drunken co-workers wouldn’t suspect a thing. Max even manages to keep the Christ in Christmas. Of course, he also has the baby Jesus wish Santa a Merry Christmas, but that’s all part of the charm.

27. Here Comes Santa Claus in a Red Canoe by The Surfers (1959): From their 1959 album Christmas From Hawaii, here’s the lone original number. Despite having a, ya know, sleigh with 8 flying reindeer, why not jump in a canoe if you need to get to the big island?

28. Santa Came on a Nuclear Missile by Heather Noel: It’s all the fun of Weird Al’s Christmas At Ground Zero with none of the intentional humor! Just some bleak, song-poem weirdness. Man, the Cold War was a trip, huh?

29. Can Santa Miss Those Missiles? by Reece Shipley (1960): I wonder if any actual children in the 50’s and 60’s were concerned Santa might get hit by some rouge intercontinental ballistic missile. Well, if they were, ole Reece Shipley here stepped in at the right time to provide them with a little hope. Thank God. Fuck, the Cold War really was a trip.

30. Truckin’ Tree’s For Christmas by Red Simpson (1973): Here’s a fun tune from an under-represented yuletide demographic; the trucker hauling the trees to the Christmas Tree lot. And who better to sing it than Red Simpson, the man who literally released an album called I Am a Truck.

31. Christmas Flu by Lee Montgomery (1984): Now, I couldn’t make a playlist of weird Christmas music without including something from Silent Night, Deadly Night, right? Of course not! So, I picked the weirdest one of the bunch, Christmas Flu. I got a Christmas attack!

32. Christmas in Jailby The Youngsters (1956): Man, that just kinda sucks. Could have happened to any of us on Christmas Eve, really.

33. Daddy, Is Santa Really Six Foot Four? by Kay Brown: A Christmas classic gets the song poem treatment here, complete with a song poem twist. See, this narrator didn’t just catch Mommy kissing Santa Claus, but that Santa Claus said he was coming back, and with a gun. Watch the fuck out, Daddy!

34. Santa Claus Wants Some Loving by Albert King (1974): “Santa getting his fuck on” is such a prolific theme in Christmas music, it could have its own playlist. We’re gonna set off our own little Santa Sex Block with this milder entry from Albert King.

35. I’ll Be Your Santa Baby by Rufus Thomas (1973): A year earlier, and a tad more risque.

36. Back Door Santaby Clarence Carter (1968): Perhaps the original “lets cut the bullshit, Santa’s just a dude with a dick, and milk and cookies ain’t cuttin’ it no more” tune. Ah, Christmas: the season of giving.

37. I Know What You Want for Christmas by Kay Martin (1962): Kay Martin’s coy and not quite lewd I Know What You Want For Christmas is the (semi) title track off her 1962 Christmas stag party collection I Know What He Wants for Christmas…But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It. The entire record isn’t quite as fun as this tune, but it’s still definitely worth a spin, particularly if everyone’s holding a highball while wearing orange turtle neck sweaters.

38. The Peppermint Stick Man by Randall Reed and The Forerunners: So this man, this peppermint stick man, he’s erect, and with his stick he has a plan? Am I understanding this right? What the fuck is going on in this song? Holy shit with this one.

39. The Gift by Mickey Rooney (1979): So in 1979, Mickey Rooney – yep, Mr. Joe Petto himself – cut a Christmas album. And if that wasn’t weird enough, he called that album Merry Merry Micklemas. And if that wasn’t weird enough, this was the god damn album cover. Yikes. Now, if all of that just wasn’t weird enough for you, here’s track number 3, where Mickey sings you a song from a Christmas present’s point of view. And if that still (somehow!) just isn’t enough fuckin’ weirdness for you, listen to that borderline psychotic baby voice he uses for the gift. Right on Roon!

40. Christmas Without Daddy by Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts (1978): Polka King Joe Walega celebrates the season of cheer…by talking about his dead Dad. Now that’s all well and good (if not a bit bleak for a Christmas song) but listening to a grown man call his Father “Daddy” over and over, in Shatner-esque speak-singing, is just weird.

41. Debbie’s Last Christmas by Nancy LaPlante (1969): The weirdest thing about this song is that it exists. The story here is sort of heartbreaking, but it’s presentation? Yeah, that’s weird. And the magical twist? Well, that’s a little weird too.

42. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard (1973): After that double-shot of Christmas cheer, we could use a little pick-me-up before we wrap up this present. And there’s no better way than with this one. Not particularly weird in and of itself, but once you see card carrying weirdos Wizzard perform this song, all becomes clear. Also, the snowman bringing the snow seems like a weird concept to me, and that Black Mirror episode kinda made it weird now too, so there’s that. Still a hard Christmas tune to resist, weird or not.

Excuse My Christmas by Jan Terri: We’re gonna let good ole Jan Terri close us out here with her 2nd Christmas tune. I’m not really sure what Excuse My Christmas is suppose to mean exactly but I love it all the same. So we’d like to say to you all, excuse our Christmas, we know it was a bit weird.

We hoped you’ve enjoyed this off-beat compilation anyway and that it may continue to bring you holiday joy all throughout your years!