TRACK #435:

Teenage Werewolf (I Was A) by The Flirts

I’m sure I’ve said this before, and I’ll probably say it again, but it’s wild to me that after 14 years and 430 songs, we can still dig up straight monster heat like tonight’s track.

I’ve got a ton of songs in the bullpen of a monstrous, or inclusive or holiday variety that simply haven’t made their way to the rubber yet. I know about ’em, but they just haven’t gotten their day. But sometimes I’m totally sideswiped by a song that somehow seems to have evaded all my years of scouring and digging.

But maybe y’all been bumping this one secretly. Maybe you’ve all been hoarding it and just not tellin’ ya boy. Well, one guy who is definitely tellin’ ya boy is Shindig Radio personality Graham C. Schofield, who hipped me to this hidden banger over the summer, and it became an instant add.

Seriously, where has this song been hiding? And how come we’re not talking about it til song 435? It’s criminal really. And if you’ve got a Halloween playlist that doesn’t feature this tune, I can now say with full indignant judgment, you’re fuckin’ up.

But like we tend to say around here, all these hidden treasures will soon be brought to the light, and today, that gem comes from The Flirts.

Now it seems these Flirts were the musical brainchild of Mr. Bobby Orlando aka Bobby O. He basically wrote, produced and performed all the music and employed a rotating stable of models to act as the faces (and sometimes voices) of the group.

Now, we’ve talked about Bobby before, as he was a pioneering force behind what became known as High-NRG, which was sort of the Stateside answer to Italo-Disco. Additionally, Bobby is a Shindigger himself at #66 with Whisper to a Scream from Freddy’s Revenge.

Given these two facts, perhaps it should come as no surprise that The Flirts pumped out a synth heavy monster dancer entitled Teenage Werewolf (I Was A).

And make no mistake, this is a straight up monster mash banger. Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula, Igor and even a “Mummy” are all getting shouted out here, in their way, anyway.

And the song itself is a curious blend of 50’s sensiblities, teenage werewolves, with 80’s socio-economic concerns, teen pregnancy.

See, this Teenage Werewolf is the Bride of Frankenstein. But she cheated on Frankenstein with Dracula. Once Ole Frank catches wind though, he gives her the boot, cause I guess Frankenstein was living with a teenager. Weird, but OK. These are not only fictional characters, but also creatures of the night and maybe we shouldn’t be expecting that they don’t engage in problematic behavior beyond, ya know, all the murder. But the point still stands. It’s a little weird.

Well, it gets weirder, because that teenage werewolf becomes pregnant with Dracula’s love child. OK, Frankenstein living with a teenager is one thing. Cheating on Frank with Dracula is another, maybe it was just an emotional affair, ya know just holding hands. But Dracula impregnating her definitely removes any plausible deniability that this was simply a platonic relationship. Then, given that Dracula is at the very least 120 years old at this point (and potentially almost 500 by most accounts) puts this well beyond statutory rape. Even if she’s 18 or 19, I’m pretty sure the absolutely egregious age gap there should not allow a year or 2 to get chalk up to “well technically she’s an adult.”

But again, this is fuckin’ Dracula we’re talking about. What are we expecting here? Him to have some kind of moral compass? The guy literally feeds off the blood of humans to sustain his unnatural existence. He’s the goddamn definition of non-consensual. This ain’t right Drac buddy, but I guess I’m saying maybe we should expect that at this point, and not hold him to some sort of natural decency.

Anyway, she gets kicked out again for being pregnant and has to go back to live with Daddy and Mummy, which is weird cause I thought she was already living there. Did she move back in with Frankenstein? Did she move in with Dracula? I sure don’t know. 

What I do know is there’s a dude saying “hip hop” almost as much as Bobby O is firing off that 808 cowbell, and it’s goddamn glorious.

Here to get your feet moving, it’s a pure slice of 80’s Monster Dance Pop withThe Flirts and the curiously parenthetical Teenage Were (I Was A).