It’s tricky to rock a rhyme. It’s trickier to rock one about monsters. These tricksters have all treated us to some tracks about trickin’ and treatin’. As The Cryptkeeper might say…”They all arm me with harm…ony, yeeeheeeheeeehaaaha!”
We’re gonna gonna keep the Monster Rap train rolling here for a bit with a Monster Rap performed by an actual Monster, Rockula.
This (essentially) 80’s Monster Comedy gets a little extra love from The Shindig for:
A.) Starring Francis “Chainsaw” Gremp, Dean Cameron.
B.) Taking place on Halloween and
C.) Featuring lots of music for use on the playlist.
Our next selection, perhaps the most sweaty of Rockula’s catalog, is his attempt to do what everyone was doing in at the in 1989…bust a rhyme.
It’s not as bad as you might think. It’s certainly not great, but it’s all in jest and there’s some funny lyrics, which is more than I can say for,…well it’s coming up at #203.
So, before you curse us for posting perhaps the worst Monster Rap in existence, give it a track or two before making any snap decisions.
Yeah, I think it’s gonna be another one of those funky ones…
Ghostbusters 2, the definitive statement on Monster Raps, continues its genre dominance here with perhaps its most popular track, Bobby Brown’sOn Our Own.
Featured during a montage of the GBs kicking it into gear and revving up for a final showdown with Vigo the Carpathian.
Total side note here, but if you’ve never heard the skinny on Vigo’s painting, definitely check this out.
This track’s especially relevant in that Bobby Brown actually has a cameo in the film! His excitement at seeing the Ghostbusters emerge from ECTO-1a is a great moment. He asks Egon and Ray if he can get a proton pack for his little brother. Naturally, Egon flat out rejects this ludicrous proposal, while Ray halfheartedly agrees.
“I guess he’s right.” Ray responds.
You guess? Really Ray?
Am I to believe that if Egon hadn’t been there, then Ray would have seriously considered giving Bobby fucking Brown a proton pack? For his kid brother, no less?
I’m not sure if Ray should be allowed to handle such dangerous equipment if he doesn’t know well enough not to just hand it over to random citizens, or fucking children. Maybe dickless Peck was right all along.
Bobby Brown gets in on the action all the same, proton pack or not, serving up a Ghostbusters jam to beat all. Yeah, yeah, you know it.
V. Ice, as the horror-core iteration of Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) refers to himself, was actually born on Halloween. October 31st 1967, to be precise. That’s pretty awesome as far as The Shindig is concerned. What’s more? He cut a referential Halloween track about it.
Double bonus.
Depending on your perspective that is.
From The Shindig’s perspective, it’s an all around winner. First and foremost, its a Referential Halloween Monster Rap. That’s pretty special. Referential Halloween tracks are a rarity, and the few others that appear on this playlist are weakly included in either direction. Not V. Ice’s jam though. Born On Halloween a card-carrying referential Halloween Monster Rap.
This is not a good song though. I love it. At times it fills me with Halloween joy. At other times it makes me laugh. I rock out to it in my car. Genuinely. I don’t change it at red lights when cute girls or tough guys pull up next to me.
It’s on The Shindig, hands down, no question, but it can’t really be called good. I love a lot of things genuinely that are not objectively good. Go scrolling randomly through this playlist; the evidence to that fact is compelling. Many things about this song are not good.
Starting with it’s absolutely ridiculous chorus. Random weirdo’s chant “Born On Halloween” in a manner that sounds suspiciously like This Is Halloween from A Nightmare Before Christmas. Fitting then, 100 songs after posting that track, we’ve finally decided to post this one.
Add to that some of the weakest referential rhymes to hit The Shindig since The Maniac Cop Rap, and it’s hard to make a strong case for the quality of this song.
“Some call him Psycho
the Norman Bates of Hip-Hop.
The ladies call him Alfred
Cause they’re all over his Hitchcock”
Wow.
No one calls V. Ice that, full stop. I doubt anyone calls him V. Ice for that matter, but hey.
I’ll also set my watch and warrant that no woman anywhere has ever referred to Vanilla Ice as “Alfred” for the sole purpose of alluding to his cock.
There’s no fucking way that’s mathematically possible. The amount of cognition involved in devising such a reference, divided by the relevance and knowledge of Alfred Hitchcock to any ladies within shouting distance of Robert Van Winkle on any given night, produces a probability that could only be visible through a high powered telescope, so fucking insane is it.
The kicker is that this incredibly juvenile rhyme…doesn’t even rhyme!
All of the above would be completely forgivable (as with most ridiculous rap boastings) if the lyric was actually clever. This one is not. And I fucking love it for that.
Violent J (not in fact born on Halloween, as he [perhaps] suggests) shows up to add some much needed street cred to the whole affair. I’m sorry, what?
When a rapping Clown from the Posse Insane is noticeably stepping up your track’s game, something is fucking broke. J quite honestly puts V. Ice to shame on this song with better rhymes, better rhythm and a tone becoming of the subject matter. It’s a breath of fresh air when J steps up to the mic. And that’s not a joke, either. That’s my sincere assessment.
The weirdos will intermittently spout off “With my mask I trick or treat, spooks and freaks all over your street” and “born on Halloween” to everyone’s delight, giving the song it’s air of Halloween spirit.
My research suggests that most listeners will find that all of this nonsense adds up to about 4 minutes of Halloween torture they’d rather have no part of. Can’t blame them for that. The more masochistic audiophiles however or any undercover Juggalos in your crowd might actually enjoy this business. Can’t blame them either, except maybe the undercover Juggalos, for well,…being fucking Juggalos.
I’ve been hard here on V.Ice here, as has the world as a whole for the last 25 years or so. Most of that is completely reasonable considering the seemingly disingenuous output of Robert’s career.
But seriously V.Ice, if you’ve somehow miraculously stumbled across this blog and are reading this, The Shindig loves this song, both genuinely and ironically, all at the same time. It loves that it exists and hoists it proudly among the ranks of Halloween rockdom. We wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your references, as weakly constructed as they are, jam-pack the front end of this track and the Halloween quotient is undeniable, right down to the cribbing of Danny Elfman and the good people of Halloweentown.
Please accept my apologies if I have made you feel, through any of the above criticism, that I am anything less than a fan of this track. There’s a lot of Halloween music I hate (there’s a few ICP songs that come to mind here) that I roundly refuse to include on this playlist. Born On Halloween is not one of those tracks. Born On Halloween is a Halloween song for the ages.
Trick Or Treat – what more can you possibly give The Shindig? Haven’t you given enough already? Surely there are no more Halloween delights under your thin candy shell.
Oh, but there is – a thick nougat center of Monster Rap awesomeness.
In between all the Fastway rocking of the Trick Or Treat soundtrack, tucked away so’s you might not even notice, is this curve-ball of horrific proportions. From 80’s Hip-Hop maestros Whodini comes one of the finest Monster Raps featured on The Shindig, The Haunted House of Rock.
Played during the Halloween Dance sequence, just before Roger turns the speakers over to Sammy Curr’s backwards metallic cassette, Whodini rocks a rhyme about the monsters and mayhem taking place at the titular haunted abode.
What is this song doing on this soundtrack? What is this song even doing in existence? I don’t have an answer to either question, but in both cases I’m sure glad it is.
Succeeding in just about every way Lovebug Starski’sAmityville fails, The Haunted House of Rock features an actual Haunted House propagated by a multitude of real ghouls with no sign of any Starship Enterprise crew members in sight.
Amityville only outshines it for a brief moment when Dracula raps. That’s pretty huge and should not be ignored. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Amityville and it’s ridiculously unhaunted tale, but Whodini delivers the goods in way Starski only aspires to and they remain the champs of the Haunted Monster Party Rap game.
The Haunted House of Rock may even be the champ of the Monster Rap game in its entirety. But it does have some stiff competition.
If you Iike your Monster Raps a bit more specific, Are You Ready For Freddy might be your speed. If you like them a bit more ridiculous, then maybe The Maniac Cop Rap is the winner. Or if you like your Monster Rappin a bit more whack, then The Monster Squad is just what the doctor ordered.
But for my money, when it comes to legitimacy, Whodini is holding it down with this old-school hip-hop horror hit and its inclusion in Trick Or Treat just ups the ante.
I saw everybody there, except you. Let’s change that this year.
In 1985, rap pioneer Lovebug Starski (best known widely for, well this song) decided it’d be a good idea if he just recorded some random track about Amityville. Not for any Amityville movie mind you, but rather during a 5 year lull in the franchise (3D having been released in ‘83, and Curse not for another 4 years.)
Hell, he didn’t even make it in reference to the movies really, but just cause he thought it’d be fun I guess and maybe even a hit.
And he was right! This sucker broke the Billboard Top 20 in ‘86, which means that, for a period of time in America, people were legitimately rocking out to this song. Which is totally understandable. This song is awesome and weird as shit.
Starski uses the real Amityville legend (I guess?) as a sort of jumping off point for some crazy-ass song about a vaguely Haunted House where nothing much happens, but everybody visits.
A Karloff-esque butler greets Starski upon his arrival, then later Dracula shows up for no good reason and raps. Now, that alone is plenty of reason for Amityville to make the cut for every Halloween party playlist ever created.
And as if that wasn’t bizarre enough though, just for the hell of it, Captain Kirk, Scotty and Spock arrive at one point to talk about Starski over the spooky beat. I’m sorry, what? Why? This song is fucking nuts.
Apparently, looking at the 45 sleeve above, you’ll note the record came complete with a “Free Black Hole,” ya know, for all the “time-shift special appearances.” I guess at least they tried to justify this nonsense with some kind of acknowledgement. Not sure if that makes it more or less weird, though.
So take a drive out to Amityville. You know, the house on the hill. You just make a left, then you make a right and……Amityville!
Since everyone got so pissed off this summer about the Ghostbusters remake, and even more pissed off about the new song by Fall Out Boy ft. Missy Elliot (definitely not featured on the Shindig), I thought we’d take a look at another Ghostbusters Theme reiteration that surely pissed off purists in its day.
I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again, but when it comes to Monster Raps, no movie’s got that shit on lock like Ghostbusters 2.
A prime example of this is Run D.M.C.’sGhostbusters, which (as sacrilegious as it may sound) I actually enjoy a little more than Ray Parker Jr.’s seminal theme.
Don’t get me wrong, Ray’s original Title Track is an unrivaled classic, both for Halloween playlists and just generally speaking. It also serves as the basis for Reverend Run and Co.’s sonic sequel. This jam however is way less played-out, awesomely 8o’s in its own distinct way and just plain old fashioned ridiculous in the best way possible.
Sampled up with tons of clips of the boys bustin’ and schillin’.
Fred Krueger the myth or Fred Krueger the man? It doesn’t matter cause they’re still rappin’ bout him, understand?
The lesser heralded of the 2 official Freddy rap songs, I feel Are You Ready For Freddyis superior to Nightmare on My Street for several good reasons:
It’s The Fat Boys and they’re cooler than Will Smith any day of the week.
It’s officially from a Freddy movie (Part 4: The Dream Master)
It’s less generic about it’s Freddydom, as multiple Elm Street films are referenced and sampled.
It actually features Robert Englund rapping as Freddy, as opposed to whoever the hell is rapping on the DJ Jazzy Jeff track.
2020 Update to this bullet point!
According to Hip-Hop Historian Werner Von Wallenrod, the Freddy inA Nightmare on My Streetis actually Ready Rock C! So that’s pretty cool.
Additionally, it is Werner’s assessment this is NOT Robert Englund rapping on TheFat Boy’s track. While my instincts tell me this is Englund, due not only to his appearance in the video, but also the almost unmistakable quality of this Freddy voice, Werner has a compelling basis for his assertion.
It seems no pressing of this track actually credits Robert Englund as being a performer. Now, one might be inclined to think Robert would certainly be credited, if not even require being credited, if this was, in fact, him. Case in point: the 1987 album Freddy’s Greatest Hits 100% credits Robert Englund as providing the Freddy voice. In fact, it goes so far as to credit him as “the creator” of that voice. Robert probably has something of this nature dialed right into his contract, no doubt.
That album, being released a full year before Are You Ready for Freddy, sets a pretty clear precedent. The 12″ single for Are You Ready for Freddy and the The Fat Boy’s album, Coming Back Hard, which features the song, both include a special thanks to “Freddy Krueger.” But, that isn’t terribly compelling.
Wikipedia, which also isn’t necessarily compelling on its own, does credit Robert Englund as performing the Freddy voice. However, that article is itself citing a Rolling Stone article on the lawsuit between Jive Records and New Line Cinema regarding A Nightmare on My Street. Again, not super compelling, but that is Rolling Stone, for whatever that’s worth.
I think Werner has a good point, and there doesn’t seem to be much out there to roundly disprove his theory. In my heart, I think I want to believe this is Robert, so I’m clinging to the idea that it is. But the truth is still out there, and you better believe if I ever see Robert Englund again at Monsterpalooza, I’m definitely asking him that shit.
Now back to our regularly scheduled post!
And if that wasn’t enough, lines like
“With a hat like a vagabond
Standin’ like a flasher
It’s Mr. Big Time, Fred Krueger
Dream crasher”
make all the difference in the world.
Freddymania is in full swing here in 1988 and the series has finally degraded into pure schillery. Freddy is a trade-able commodity now, like pork bellies or silver. He starts hitting the talk show circuit, making music video appearances and hanging out in the windshield of cars.
I actually own this, and it’s fucking awesome.
A double-edged sword no doubt, as it’s exactly this kind of boardroom buffoonery that gives us such an awesome track as Are You Ready for Freddy (and my equally awesome sun-shield.)
But in terms of the movie, well viewers paid the price. Freddy’s crackin’ wise, sportin’ sunglasses and eatin’ pizza like some damned Ninja Turtle. Ceasing to be at all frightening and with the cleanest sweater I think he’s ever worn, Freddy’s less your dirty old dream diddler and more your pal. Hell, he’s brought back from his “grave” by the fiery urine of Kincaid’s dog Jason. Yeah, it sets up its jackassery early and securely.
But I enjoy The Dream Master for much the same reason I enjoy Freddy’s Dead: I love Freddy as a character (either scary or silly) and it’s just a ridiculous piece of horror film making.
Plus it has this song.
Which, interestingly enough, has an alternate version. There was a second, longer version of the track cut for the 12″ single. What? Now that’s the kinda shit The Shindig lives for.
So why isn’t that the featured track? Well, to be honest, I don’t like it as much. It’s a bit slower, the beats a little different and there’s a bunch of extra incidental sounds tossed all over it. It’s kinda weird.
Plus, it cuts out Freddy’s original rap at the end! What?! You get an alternate, almost spoken-word outro from The Dream Crasher, which is fun but just isn’t quite the same.
However, it does feature some pretty fantastic extra verses in the middle where The Boys detail the plot from the original Elm Street and talk about Freddy more. And there’s more samples from the original Elm Street thrown in for good measure. Bonus.
Since we all know and have just addressed with whom you’d contact over telephone wires should it become apparent that you in fact have harmful apparitions approaching, let’s task listeners with a similar question:
Yeah, but who do you call when you have Monsters?
That’s right. And at last we come to The Monster Squad. From the very first CD in 2002, The Monster Squad has been a permanent fixture of Halloween Shindig and remains one of my favorite selections on the playlist.
Granted, I may be a bit biased but this song is representing hard. Let’s check the stats:
Is it about a horror movie?
Check, it’s about the goddamn Monster Squad.
Ah, yes, but is it in the movie?
In it? Motherfucker, it’s the Title Track. Triple check that shit.
We talkin’ bout Monsters?
Fuck yeah we are. It’s like a goddamn monster mash up in this motherfucker. Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman, the Mummy, the Creature from the Black Lagoon. That’s the big five, son. Throw in some sexy vampire chicks, a grotesque bat transformation and a werewolf exploding out of the sky and you’ve got some real monster shit on lock. Check + to Monster Song.
What more could you ask for? Well, they even mention Halloween too. Sure, it’s to illustrate how this ain’t Halloween (or some phony deal) but we’ll just look that other way on that one. They say Halloween and damn it if that ain’t all that matters sometimes.
Now all of that sounds like a Referentially Inclusive Monster Halloween Title Track to me, gang.
And it’s a Monster Rap to boot? Holy shit, is there anything this song can’t do?
One of the most ridiculous tracks you can imagine, The Monster Squad was suspiciously recorded by some anonymous collective of Hip-Hop Demigods that chose to remain nameless. What?!
Why the hell anyone would elect to do this is so far beyond the scope of my imagination it boarders on madness. If I was responsible for this song I’d put it on every job application I ever filled out.
2 years as an Assistant Hanger Inspector for Sears and Roebuck.
4 months as a Substitute Wigsmith at The Downtown Clownery.
Oh yeah and I wrote the motherfucking Monster Squad Rap. What’s up?
From a time when everyone thought something like this was a really great idea, The Monster Squad (for anyone thinking otherwise) is a really great idea.
It’s is pretty whack? Yeah, I guess so. If you wanna be a jerk about it.
Is it poorly conceived and equally executed? Yeah, I suppose I’d have to concede that fact too, if you really want this to be a frank discussion about musical integrity.
But fuck that discussion and fuck you for wanting it pal, cause this song fucking rules. It’s a rap song about a group of kids fighting The Universal Monsters. Oh, did you not catch that? It’s a rap song about a group of kids fighting The Universal Monsters. Whomever is responsible for this song should be a cultural icon. They should have a fucking Grammy and an Academy Award.
Instead, (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing took the honor that year. All right, fair enough. Maybe that’s a better song, but it lacks the lyric:
“We don’t wanna hang with the walking dead, so we gotta kick some monster butt instead.”
What’s up now, Academy of Arts and Sciences?
Looking into this travesty further, I discovered the competition that year was actually pretty stiff. Check this shit out:
“Storybook Love” by Willy DeVille and Mark Knopfler from The Princess Bride
Damn, that’s a solid 80’s line-up right there. Maybe I spoke too soon. Still, it should have been nominated at the absolute least. Who the hell is still talking about Cry Freedom 26 years later?
No one, that’s who.
But I digress.
An interesting side note to this song: the original version I had on the 2002 CD was pulled from my old VHS copy of Monster Squad. Incidentally, this was later signed by Tom “The Gillman” Woodruff Jr. Coincidence? I like to think not.
This version of the song contained the line:
“First came Dracula, now the Wolfman too, The Mummy and the Gillman swimming in the pool.”
What? Why did that roll call just fall the fuck apart?
Hear that sample below:
I always thought this was a pretty strange and horrendous line, particularly when they could have just as simply said “and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.”
But I guess they couldn’t say “and the Creature from the Black Lagoon,” for the home video release. Damn copyrights.
All things considered, that’s not a bad save. Syllabically sound, it even sort of rhymes, at least no more or less than the original false rhyme. But damn is it silly. Who the fuck is the Gillman? Why are they calling The Creature from the Black Lagoon “The Gillman?” And why is he in the pool? Did I miss a scene where he climbs out of a pool? Why did he just say that?
Upon upgrading the tune for better quality many years later when The Monster Squad finally saw a DVD release, I noticed the line was suddenly changed to “and the Creature From The Black Lagoon” and I thought “Shit, that must have been the original lyric. How about that.” Now, I just feel sort of nostalgic for the old, butchered scab.
But I’ve spoken too verbosely about all of this as is, so let’s just make with the goods, huh?
One of my favorite songs on the playlist from one of my favorite movies of all time. Here it is….The Monster Squad.
As longtime followers are probably (painfully) aware, Monster Raps are load bearing supports in the Halloween Shindig rotation.
And when it comes to Monster Raps, few come as tailor-made awesome as Yeshwua Barnes and B Dub Woods’Maniac Cop Rap.
Check the stats:
Does it take the movie’s score and mix into an awesome beat? Check.
Does it play during the end credits? Check.
Does it feature the title repeated ad nauseum? Check
Does it talk about how badass the main character is? Check
Does it feature the most ridiculous lyrics you can image? Check plus.
Here’s some choice selection from the track…
Set ‘em on fire, I shoot ‘em with a Uzi
But he’ll show up in you’re jacuzzi!”
Gold.
And don’t waste time dialin’ 9-1-1
Forget karate and forget yer gun!
Forgotten.
You won’t get a ticket or pay a fine
You might as well be dealin’ with Frankenstein!
Fair Enough.
Without any further ado, segueing out of our 80’s Oddball Sequel Dance Party, from a sequel that’s arguably better than the original, 1990’s Maniac Cop 2, here’s the Manaic Cop Rap.
Over the years, as the musical climate shifted, Boris Pickett attempted to recapture his Monster Mash lightning into all manner of bottle. The results were, well, not quite as successful.
In the early 80’s he tried rap, much to the delight of The Shindig.
Easily my favorite Boris Pickett tune, this goofy number is, I think, the funniest of his career. The ridiculous chorus of “Shock the body. Shock the body, body” in that Karloff voice is unmatched. Plus a rapping Frankenstein in the form of “Monster Mouth” is pretty fantastic too.
Though, I think the funniest aspect of the track is Boris’ initial excitement to hear the monster rap, and how quickly that turns to complete annoyance once the creature “won’t stop rapping.”
Even in the form of a silly rap, some remnant of Mary Shelley’s themes still persist,…kind of.
Either way, Boris Pickett’sMonster Rap is Shindig gold, all the way around.
