TRACK #205:

Do the Freddy by The Elm Street Group

Here’s some certified, all-American, 80-proof ridiculous bullshit from the incomprehensibly titled Freddy’s Greatest Hits.

Greatest Hits? Why, that suggests a larger body of work cultivated and condensed into only “the tracks you wanna hear,” no?

First of all, Freddy doesn’t have any other albums. This is it, folks.

Secondly, even if there were several albums, are these the choice cuts? Are these just the “tracks you wanna hear?” Probably not. They’re the tracks I wanna hear, no doubt, but I don’t speak for anyone else, much less everyone else.

Perhaps there were other Freddy songs. Maybe they had 3 albums worth and just decided these were the best, and released it as a Greatest Hits to spare everyone. If that’s the case, then fuck gang, what did those other songs sound like?

These greatest of hits encompass mostly cheese-ball covers of songs that feature the word “Dream” while Freddy cackles randomly around the melody. However, there are a few original cuts, like this number – perhaps the collection’s most unfathomable offering.

What is this shit? Do the Freddy? He’s got a fucking dance now? Are you kidding me? This shit is out of control.

Nowadays, whenever I hear that people find it impossible to be scared of this character, I completely understand, and it’s because of shit like this.

Once a master of fear in the hearts of children the world over, Freddy is here reduced to a few dance moves. And not even good ones! Behold…

Pick your feet up

swing your arms up too

Move you head both ways

like you see him do

Then jump 3 feet to the swinging beat

Of The Freddy

What? What kind of fucking dance is this? I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing really. And the weirdest part (as you may have thought to yourself) is clearly the “move you head” instruction.

What, exactly, does moving your head both ways actually look like? Is it just shaking your head? Turning and looking in either direction like your crossing a street? It’s too vague.

Moreover, is this Freddy’s signature move? Not “claw at the air” or “scrape your blades on the wall.” Nope, it’s moving your head both ways. Ya know, that thing everyone probably does several times a day. That’s it. That’s Freddy’s big move. You could have written a more appropriate, or hell, even a slightly less vague line with roughly 2 minutes worth of thought.

Also, I think it’s important to note that no one listening to this song has a 3 foot vertical. Fuck, Michael Jordan had a 46 incher, and he’s one of the greatest dunkers of all time.

To put a more comparative and current prospective on it, Russell Westbrook has a 36.5 inch vertical. He can barely complete this dance. And Kevin Durant, at a paltry 33.5″, can’t Do The Freddy at all.

I’d ask “Just who the hell is this for, exactly,” but as you’ll soon hear Mr. Robert England proclaim straight away – “this is for you.”

So, there’s that. Enjoy this song, because it’s for you.